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how do you dismantle the rsd mindset of “if i can’t do it well the first try, it’s not worth doing?” (at least i think thats rsd and adhd) and the accompanying procrastination and anxiety?
Why does failing feel bad? This can differ from person to person.
For me, it made me feel like I just wasted a lot of time and energy on no result. And as I had limited mental energy, it felt like a severe waste of time to do things and not do well the first time.
So for me, the biggest help came from truly embracing the concept that ‘everything is a learning experience’.
Nothing is a waste of time. Everything is a learning experience.
It also felt like someone was adding salt to the open wound that was my self esteem. It made me feel worse about myself, like the failure was validating my mindset that I was a failure. So I avoided it.
I have a motivation equation:
To get more comfortable with the concept of failing, I found something where my motivation to do it, outweighed my demotivation.
For me it was all this ADHD blogging. My desire to help people overwhelmed my feeling of that I’d get no followers.
Both essentially boils down to making failing not seem so scary and unappealing.
Any tips about re-entering society after basically giving up? I’ve been fired from every job I’ve worked, dropped out of 2 universities and I’m finding it very hard to find any motivation to even try at this point. Thanks.
Oof, yea. You’d be surprised how often I get ask about ‘how to do things after giving up’.
It’s saddening common amongst ADHDers. As I dunno your specific issues, let me give the general advice.
I dunno if you’re diagnosed and taking medication but I suggest that as first step. Meds make it much easier to do thing meaning higher likeliness to sticking to things/ succeeding.
For ADHDers, my most common advice is relate what you need to do to your interests. We find doing things we actually enjoy significantly easier to do.
Even when I was at my worst, horribly horribly depressed, I would still go to everyone of my philosophy classes cause I enjoyed it. I skipped every other class, but not that. ADHDers can’t get enough of what we like and struggle with everything else.
Job wise, try pursuing things according to your interest. It doesn’t have to be a direct link. So if you like music, it doesn’t mean you have to be a musician. You can work in a shop that sells instruments. Something that’s related to your interests that helps your motivation.
Hope this helped at all.
How do you break ur task down, track multiple deadlines? It’s a struggle for me still.
I track multiple deadlines using a variety of tools. I have a note app and google calendar widgets on the home screen of my phone. I use the latter to track longer deadlines and the former for short term ones. If you prefer more physical reminders, you can put a calendar or a white board directly across from your eye line of where you spend a lot of time.
I break down tasks using what I call ONE THINGS. The ADHD mind difficulty with task switching, so we find it easiest to do ONE THING at a time. You basically have to break down big multi step tasks, that would require you to juggle multiple topics into smaller ONE THINGS that deals with one task.
Let’s say you wanted to cook. All together, a recipe can seem complicated cause there can be many steps. But all the many different steps are simple ONE THINGS. So chopping vegetables, is just chopping. Nothing else. Just one thing. But if you put all the simpler steps together, it makes a meal.
When I was writing my dissertation, I took some time to plan/ break down the overall task into ONE THINGS. Since planning requires task switching, I took some days to get that out of the way
So then I had a plan of simple ONE THINGS to follow. When I needed to research, I researched one topic and then write on the one topic.
At the end, brought all the pieces together and voila. My thesis draft was complete.
How can i explain to my family that i’m not LAZY, i just… can’t think? I really don’t know how to explain it, when i feel overwhelmed by a task that i KNOW i should do, i can’t do it.
Laziness implies choice. An unwillingness. We ADHDers hate the word lazy because our difficulties aren’t a choice. We aren’t choosing not do things.
It isn’t easy to get across these concepts to non ADHDers who take their executive functions for granted. Partially, they can’t imagine how it is not not have something work that they’ve never even thought about.
I use a lot of analogies and metaphors for this reason. It allows people to relate to these concept easier.
Like I take my blinking for granted. But if I suddenly had to blink manually for the rest of my life, suddenly its a huge issue.
If your family are willing to listen, you should explain to them about executive functions. That you’re not UNWILLING, but unable. You can use the blinking example of time to explain that your brain struggles with motivation, unlike theirs.
Ask them, would they get annoyed at someone who had sight impairment for just ‘choosing not to see’? Would they call them lazy? Just cause the person’s body doesn’t work like theirs?
Can I treat my ADD without ANY medication?
Is it theoretically possible? Absolutely.
Some people can manage to cope using exercise, therapy and healthy coping mechanism. Everyone can be affected by their ADHD differently, so some can manage just fine.
Meds make managing ADHD (ADD is now ADHD-PI, btw) so much easier.
Meds are like glasses. Both are tools that help us focus. Most people with bad eyesight don’t NEED glasses, but it makes life significantly easier (though, some people with really bad eyesight/ ADHD, need the tools, ofcourse).
There are different kinds of meds, and different meds suit different people. If you don’t want to take stimulants, there’s even non stimulant ADHD meds. This can be especially good for people with comorbid anxiety.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 30 2 weeks ago. To be honest I still don’t really believe it. I feel like if I had just been a little more organised or a little more hardworking then I wouldn’t have had so much trouble with study or work.
My doctor suggested trying medication. I’m still waiting for the prescription to come through. What can I be doing right now? I’m a little scared about taking the medicine to be honest.
First of all, congrats on the diagnosis!
I know the feeling you’re getting. I got the same feeling when I got diagnosed at 20. And to be honest, I feel I’d have felt the same way regardless of age.. unless I was diagnosed as a child.
Remember that its NEVER too late to get a diagnosis. Best time might have been in the past, but the second best time is NOW.
There is nothing to fear from medication. I know it can seem scary.. cause its meds that change how your brain works.
I often get people asking me.. ‘what if it changes me?’.. ‘will I lose my personality?’
But the thing is, personality is every changing. The you a year ago, isn’t the same you now. There isn’t a FIXED you.
What can you be doing? Research ADHD. Learn as much as you can. Meds help.. ALOT, but they aren’t the be all end all. Meds help you do things.. but you have to learn to want to do things yourself.
I dunno where I read this saying but its very catchy: ‘Pills don’t teach you to deal’.
Good luck!
I am 26 and have requested for an ADHD diagnosis at the psychology centre at my university. After an introductory session today. For the formal diagnosis session, they would need to arrange a call with my parents to understand my behaviour during childhood. Is this common and necessary? I am uncomfortable with this since I don’t want my family to get involved or know about the consultations I have had so far.
Is this common? Yes, my psych talked to my parents too when I got diagnosed when I was 20.
Based on your ‘u’ in behaviour and spelling of ‘centre’, I’m going to assume you’re from the UK. If not, it should still apply.
Quoting the NHS website, ‘As part of your assessment, the specialist will ask about your present symptoms. However, under current diagnostic guidelines, a diagnosis of ADHD in adults cannot be confirmed unless your symptoms have been present from childhood.
If you find it difficult to remember whether you had problems as a child, or you were not diagnosed with ADHD when you were younger, your specialist may wish to see your old school records, or talk to your parents, teachers or anyone else who knew you well when you were a child.’
If you want to know if its mandatory, you should call the psychology centre and ask them if there are alternatives.
Hey Danny,
I follow you on Twitter. Thx for all being so honest and for sharing so much of your experience and strategies to help others. I’m the mom of a fab 11 yo boy who has ADHD. We’ve been trying to find a medication that won’t make him irritable. Stimulants haven’t been great for him. He’s now trying intuniv X but still has some irritability. I’m actually starting to think it may be.his age more than the meds causing the attitude! But anyway we’re hoping to get him some CBT and coaching to help him manage his ADHD symptoms more independently. I really feel like I’m his ADHD manager these days and I’m afraid that I’m going to harm my relationship with him. Any advice or tips for how I can beat support him without constantly talking to him about him symptoms? Thx Anne
Hiya Anne!
Your son is lucky to have a loved one help him manage his ADHD. ADHD makes it quite hard for us to motivate ourselves so having some external accountability helps quite a bit. I wish my parents had done more of it when I was younger.
Well, I think the best person who can tell you that is your son. Genuinely.
Be frank with your son. Talk to him about what kinda help he finds useful and what kinda stuff both of you can do differently.
If he isn’t on board with what you believe is helpful, it’ll just cause building resentments. If you want to help your son with his ADHD, it has to be a partnership, where you help guide him and keep him on track.
I had been looking for a job in the past few months. My dad would occasionally send me links of interesting jobs he’d found.
I really appreciate it but I could see it was making him hesitant if he was actually helping or just putting pressure on me. So I directly told him that I found it very helpful and I was thankful, even if I didn’t always show it.
I don’t know you or your son after all. I don’t know how your relationship is or how yous tick. The ones who know it best are yourselves after all.