Accountability,
i.e., holding yourself responsible for the things you have said or done.
We ADHDers often say or do things without realizing that we might be hurting others.
We also might hurt or inconvenience people when we don’t do things; our bad memories cause us to forget to call the dentist or pay the bill as we promised we would.
So, if we did these things, or didn’t do these things, and it wasn’t intentional, but people were hurt, should we be held accountable by others and ourselves?
When I was younger, I used to think, no. If I didn’t MEAN to do it and I couldn’t help it, why would you blame me? Why should I apologize? It wasn’t my FAULT after all.
It wasn’t my fault.
But here’s the thing — when we accidentally hurt someone, that person is still hurt. When we forget to do something, the consequences could still affect other people. It doesn’t matter if we “meant it.”
We have to learn to take responsibility for our actions, regardless of our intentions.
ADHD and other mental disorders can make us a bit self-centred. This is understandable as we have to spend so much mental energy looking inwards and managing/ restraining our thoughts and emotions. However, when we are understandably focused on ourselves, we have difficulty seeing and understanding that our actions can hurt others.
One reason people tend to have difficulty holding themselves accountable is guilt. As we fuck up a lot, the feelings of guilt can trigger a lot of other negative emotions that we might not be able to handle. We start to feel like we’re “bad,” because even when we have good intentions or no intentions at all, we still manage to hurt people.
When I hold myself accountable for something I didn’t mean to do, I apologize. I explain that I didn’t mean it and that I will try harder next time.
And then I look inward and remind myself that I am not a bad person. My intentions were not bad. I remind myself that to err is to be human and we are all capable of hurting others unintentionally. I remind myself that I took responsibility for my mistake and its consequences.
Actions have consequences, and avoiding responsibility is an action. The result of not holding ourselves accountable can be worse than the initial deed itself. That is something I had to learn the hard way.
Until just a year ago, I was a compulsive liar.
I never realized it consciously. I think it started as a defence mechanism before I was diagnosed—a maladaptive coping mechanism. As I had difficulty completing tasks over and over again, I would lie to make my excuses seem believable to others.
Why didn’t I do my report? Oh, I was visiting my friends in the hospital.
Oh, I forgot to call the doctor because… my phone plan ran out.
The truth was that my executive dysfunction prevented me from getting things done, but I didn’t even know what executive dysfunction was yet, so it just looked like I was being lazy, even to me. Because I didn’t know why I was having trouble, I wasn’t able to explain myself to people — so I lied.
This continued ‘til I hurt my sister with my lies. We had always been close, but my lie made her feel like she just couldn’t trust me. She stopped talking to me for months.
Actions have consequences. I didn’t mean to hurt her… I couldn’t help it… But she was still hurt.
I still struggle with compulsive lying but I am trying my hardest to hold myself accountable. When I find myself telling a lie, I immediately come clean. This isn’t easy. No, it’s quite difficult. People will lose some trust in you, but from my experience, it’s a trust that can be built back. On the other hand, if you are caught in a lie, you could lose all their trust forever.
Holding yourself accountable is good for your ADHD. Dr Barkley argues that accountability increases motivation, which we ADHDers often lack, and reinforces the consequences of our actions, which we can have difficulty grasping. Therefore, ADHDers need not less, but more accountability. Learning to accept responsibility for our mistakes allows us to better ourselves and to better ourselves and work with our ADHD rather than against it.
I imagine accountability as an external motivator. Our internal motivation doesn’t work properly, but we can use accountability to replace it. Instead of telling the truth because it’s the right thing to do (which is an internal motivation), I tell the truth because I don’t want to hurt the people I love (which is an external motivation). To avoid another situation, like with my sister, I am more motivated to hold myself accountable.
My sister forgave me after I sat her down and properly apologized to her. I don’t know if I am fully forgiven, but I’m trying my hardest to get there.