ADHD and Relationships: common issues and advice

ADHD can cause quite a lot of strains on relationships, for the ADHDer and the partner.

If you’re with an ADHDer, you might feel unappreciated, unloved and honestly, like you are a parent than a partner.

On the other hand, if you’re the one with ADHD, you’re going to face problems with communicating with your partner, opening up to them fully and self-doubts caused by self-esteem issues.

So below are some common issues and suggestions on managing them.

Being an ADHDer in a relationship:

When ADHDers get into a relationship, for the first couple of months, we ADHDers tend to hyperfixate on the partner cause it’s a new experience. When the hyperfixation dies or dims, both parties start feeling uncomfortable.

 The ADHDer wonder if they’re bored cause their feelings are starting to dim and the partner start wondering if their partner doesn’t care about them anymore.

This is a common trend I’ve noticed in with ADHDers. Here are some other things to keep in mind:

• The most important thing to remember is that being bored in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’re bored OF the partner. It is much likelier that you’re just bored AND in a relationship.
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• Remember that they are your partner, not a parent: It is not uncommon for a relationship with an ADHDer to devolve into a co-dependent one, with the partner picking up the slack for the ADHDer.
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• Tell them how you feel, even the insecure and anxious thoughts: Due to our RSD, anxieties and chaotic emotions in general, a variety of emotions might build with the ADHDer uncomfortable sharing it to not drive the partner away.
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• Make (and designate) time to COMMUNICATE: We ADHDers aren’t the best at communicating… and unfortunately, communication is the bedrock of a relationship. Remember to make time to get across how you are feeling, regularly.
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• Keep in mind that we have RSD and have a tendency to feel things harder and interpret them incorrectly. Just cause we feel that something has happened doesn’t mean it actually did.
  
  Also, keep in mind that this difficulty interpreting our emotions and our memory issues makes us especially vulnerable to gaslighting.
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• And most importantly, don’t ask or expect them to sacrifice their mental health for you

Being with an ADHDer:

Being with an ADHDer, especially an undiagnosed one, can be difficult. The most common complaints from the non-ADHD partner tend to be:

“They don’t seem to listen”
“They don’t keep their promises”
“I feel more like a parent than a partner”
“I feel unloved and lonely even when I am with them”

ADHDers have executive dysfunction which can causes issues with our memory, attention, emotions and looking after ourselves. This usually causes the partner to overcompensate, causing frustration and dependence.

So, remember:

• Don’t baby them. You will see this as a common complaint, where the relationship with ADHDer becomes like an unhealthy co-dependent parent/child dynamic where the partner starts to pick up too much slack for the ADHDer.
  
  This is incredibly common due to the nature of ADHD (happened to me too). You helping them out can quickly turn into you doing things FOR them.
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• Be straightforward. ADHDers are bad with indirect and non-verbal communication and emotions so it’s best to be direct. Don’t expect them to pick up on how you’re feeling; tell them directly. You also have to remember to-
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• COMMUNICATE. ADHDers can be bad at communication. So remember to set time aside to speak your mind and how you feel.
  
  Keep in mind, however, that ADHDers don’t tick like non ADHDers. If we forget or struggle with something, it’s NOT on purpose or to hurt you.
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• ADHDers are hypersensitive so be mindful about how you say things and understand that their immediate reaction may just be RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria).
  
  Things that need to be said have to be said, though. So its best to be direct and unambiguous.
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• You cant force people to change. You can be fully supportive but if your partner is not receptive to it, there isn’t much you can do but look out for yourself. Which leads to,
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• Look after your own mental health!