ADHD

Neurotypical people without ADHD struggle to understand our symptoms. This makes sense, as our symptoms involve executive functions, which is essentially taken for granted by those without chronic executive dysfunction.

Activation, for example, which is being able to start tasks. ADHDers struggle with activation but people around us don’t really understand. They don’t know what it’s like not to be able to DO things.

So trying to explain ADHD issues to non-ADHD NT folks (henceforth ‘non-ADHDers’) can be a challenge.

‘Why do we need to explain it to them?’, you might be wondering, ‘we don’t owe them an explanation!’.

You are correct, and I agree.

This post is more focused on explaining ADHD to people who want to understand but are struggling. Sometimes loved ones want to know more about how we tick and we can struggle to put it into words. This is for them.

From my experience, explaining ADHD is difficult because everyone experiences executive dysfunction. Universal experiences, such as being tired or stressed or fatigued, can all cause minor executive dysfunction.

The key difference is the severity and duration. Our executive dysfunction is chronic and severe while theirs is not.

However, the language we use was made by neurotypicals to describe neurotyical experiences. So we have to use their words to get across our experiences, which doesn’t sufficiently explain the severity or difficulty.

When we say, ‘I can’t focus’, they relate to it with their own experience of not being able to focus.

When we say, ‘I can’t remember’, they relate it with their own experience of not being able to remember.

When we say ‘I can’t do x’, they relate to it with their own experience of struggling to do something.

But our experiences are not the same, even if the words we use may be.

A paper cut and a broken finger can both be described as a wounded finger, but one is obviously more severe than the other.

Non-ADHDers hear us talk about our broken finger, and believe we are just talking about a paper cut. So they recommend a plaster (band-aid) because that’s what helped them with their ‘wounded finger’.

So, how do you explain ADHD to non ADHDers?

Well, I try not to use ‘common’ words, and instead go for more ‘official’ sounding words.

Instead of saying that I’m forgetful or can’t remember, I tell people that I have short term and recall issues.

Non-ADHDers equate remembering something with caring, so explaining that we forgot due to circumstances outside our control can be useful.

Instead of saying that I’m bad with emotions, I say that I have ’emotional regulatory difficulties’.

Instead of saying that I get easily bored, I say that I struggle from chronic under-stimulation.

Alternatively, you can ask them to imagine how they feel when they are mentally exhausted, or perhaps quite ill and explain that that’s how you feel all the time.

(PS: ADHD is quite stereotyped and its severity is underestimated. As such, I sometimes find explaining just my symptoms to be more helpful than saying that I have ADHD. )

We ADHDers aren’t just HYPERactive, we can be HYPOactive too.

Hypoactivity makes your brain feels unalert, mentally tired and sluggish. Your brain feels like its full of cotton and you just can’t THINK.

We call it different names such as brain fog or fuzzy thinking, but it all refers to that hypoactivity that’s common with inattentive ADHDers. I call it zombie mode (or the ughhh). Some call it robot mode.

I was in zombie mode for most of my teenage years. My mind was so unalert that it would feel dissociative. Sometimes the fog would lift temporarily but I’d have little to no memory of last six months. But most of the time I’d be in that hypoactive <autopilot>. 

Medication is really good at reducing how often I feel foggy. While it can ‘slow down’ hyperactive ADHDers, it can ‘speed up’ hypoactive ADHDers.

I really start feeling the hypoactivity when I’m not pursuing any projects.. or more generally when I’m not mentally stimulated.

When I was younger, I used to say that I NEEDED to be OBSESSED with something or I’d start getting depressed and this is still somewhat true. If I don’t keep my mind active, the hypoactivity sets in.. followed by depression.

Why?

Well, non-ADHDers have a mental ‘stand-by’ mode (think of it like putting your car brain engine in neutral gear vs turning the engine off completely).

ADHDers don’t have that mental ‘stand-by’ mode. So our focus rises when stimulated but completely falls to zero when not stimulated.

I need to be thinking about/ focusing on something all the time or my brain turns off its engine and I start feeling the sluggishness seep in.. leading to secondary depression.

(Some researchers have claimed that this is in fact a symptom of separate attention disorder called sluggish cognitive tempo/ concentration deficit disorder but this isn’t widely accepted)

An ADHDer gets hyperfocus and writes 400 pages.

When the hyperfocus ends, as suddenly as it came, she finds herself unable to write at all.

She thinks to herself, ‘I can’t write any more’. When she tries… she struggles.

Can the ADHDer really not write anymore?

Maybe she’s struggling because she’s trying (and failing) to recreate her state that she had during the hyperfocus?

Or perhaps she believes that that obsessive hyperfocus  state is what motivation is supposed to look like and she believes that to write, she needs hyperfocus.

This above situation was based on a real conversation I had with an ADHDer, and, I imagine most ADHDers can relate.

I asked her why she couldn’t continue writing without hyperfocus.

She suggested that she struggled to make her vague ideas into concrete ones without hyperfocus.

And that her performance without hyperfocus demotivated her (compared to the hyperfocus one).

I told her that the issue was likely due to our executive dysfunction, which hinders our ability to plan and turn ideas into workable actions.

Then I suggested she learn structured methods to turn her vague ideas into workable ones, such as visualization.

Her reply really summarized my entire point:

This is exactly how I stopped needing hyperfocus to do things: learning proper techniques. Coping techniques.

How do they help? Well let me use an analogy:

Non-ADHDers get stencils to help paint. They still have to learn to paint and practice painting, but it helps.

We get no stencils and have to freehand.

The stencils are the executive functions.

So to manage around our executive dysfunction, we have to fashion our own stencils for structure. These are the coping strategies.

Breaking stuff down to make them easier to do, making topics easier by relating them to our interests, making things easier to recall using association.. these are all the coping strategies I use and are the stencils I made to make up for my executive dysfunction.

Yes, this is not an easy thing to do. You might fail once or twice or thrice.. Or a hundred times. Change doesn’t come easily.

It took me years of practice.. and failing. My ADHD blogging for example, I’ve taken many hiatuses over the past 3 years but I’ve always come back.

I’m really not a fan of hyperfocus.

I feel we ADHDers get a very warped view of motivation and interest cause of our motivational issues. For many ADHDers, hyperfocus is the only way they can focus. As a result, they start believing that the obsessive flow is the only way to get things done.

And anything besides it is useless.

We start seeing motivation as being very black or white. We’re either SUPER HYPERFOCUSED or totally apathetic. We conflate motivation and interest with the obsession.

And if we aren’t OBSESSED, we feel we aren’t interested. To do things, we feel we need to be OBSESSED.

I really don’t like hyperfocus.

Not to mention, hyperfocus is quite unreliable.

Hyperfocus is the equivalent of golfing for the first time and getting a hole in one. Sure, it could happen with sheer luck but trying to win a round of golf with just luck is a bad idea.

The proper way to try to win is by learning how to golf properly, and just a bunch of practice… not by relying on luck.

There is another aspect of hyperfocus that I used to find quite helpful too: the single minded obsession that made me temporarily forget about my hesitation.

I no longer cared about other’s views, nor did my anxiety obstruct me.

It’s not that I was more motivated.. no, I just wasn’t held back by my perfectionism, fear of failing, anxiety and self-doubt.

However, as I have worked on my self doubt and anxieties over the years, I have found it easier to do stuff without hyperfocus.

We develop a lot of beliefs over our lifetimes, of how things are and should be. These beliefs are built up by our experiences and how we perceived these experiences. These beliefs then go on to influence how we approach future experiences.  

Beliefs are important to consider when we are trying to improve our mental health. As ADHDers, we can subconsciously assume (i.e., believe) that everything thinks like us. As everyone doesn’t seem to be struggling like us, we can feel worse about ourselves, with the assumption that we’re struggling because of some inherent fault rather than a disorder.

When we’ve always been or thought a specific way, we don’t even consider that there might be an alternative way. We don’t tend to question it.

A silly yet very relevant example of mine is food related.

I always used to make sandwiches with two slices of bread. However, this wouldn’t fill me up and I would always feel hungry soon after. Naturally, I never questioned it. 

Why would I? ‘Everyone knows’ that a sandwich is made with two slices of bread.

Then one day, a thought hit me… ‘why don’t I just have three slices of bread instead?’

So, I did, and I’ve never looked back. Why had I never even considered to eat another slice of bread? Why had I never questioned this belief?

Our beliefs are neither set in stone nor are they always based on reality. These ‘irrational’ or ‘faulty’ beliefs can completely dictate how we live our lives, and we might never even question them. 

But from my experience, finding and working on these faulty beliefs is required for self-improvement. 

Another faulty belief I’m dealing with currently, even as I write this, is perfectionism. A belief I had was that I should/ could only publish what I perceive to be perfect. This led to me rarely writing anything as I never believed it to be good enough. This ‘perfect or bust’ mindset is probably common with ADHDers, as we feel we need things to be perfect to reduce the chance of making mistakes and facing criticism.

So, it’s important to remember: just because we’ve always done something one way, doesn’t mean it’s the only (or even the correct) way.